Because typing doesn't leave bruises

This month the Holistic Mom's Network meeting was about positive discipline and we started off the meeting by going around the oddly shaped circle and telling the group what we remembered about our parents' discipline style when we were children. Each mom talked about the spankings or the time outs or the belts used to ingrain parental lessons. And then they would add "...and I don't want to parent like that." Or "and I'm afraid of doing that to my kids." Every mom said something along those lines except for one solitary and brave mom-- particularly in that group-- who said, "We use corporal punishment in our house. And it works."

What struck me was the panic and anxiety written on the faces of all the moms. (Except the corporal punishment mom who looked a little defiant and flushed as though she was thinking, why did I just say that? And I know where she's coming from because for some reason I always get the urge to say shit like that at the HMN meeting: "Hell yes we eat meat. I can't get through a day without eating at least four different animals!" "Diapers? I use the disposable, extra long life in a landfill type. Those babies can suck up some pee! Sometimes we lay 'em on the floor and pour our beer into them just to see who can chug more-- the diaper or Uncle Earl.") Everyone was leaning forward, listening intently, pencils and notebooks at the ready, looking for answers to their discipline problems.

And I was right there with them. As a child, it was understood that my sisters and I didn't talk back. Adults were to be respected, not questioned, and disobedience wasn't tolerated. I really didn't have a problem with that, personally. I tried to get out of the way of grown ups as much as possible anyway so I could do my own thing (this generally involved tree climbing and long hours of spinning around and around in a futile attempt to turn into Wonder Woman.) But as a parent-- now-- requiring Tallulah and Moxie to accept adults as sacred authority figures would leave them defenseless. How do you align it with lessons in Stranger Danger and 'No means No'? I want my daughters to think for themselves, question the dictates that make them feel uncomfortable or unduly bound. I want them to fight and be mouthy and question everything. Except me. I am sick to death of them questioning me. (I'm talking specifically about Tallulah. Moxie hasn't actually questioned my authority yet, although she does like to rip up my magazines, turn around to make sure I'm watching and then shove bits of pages in her mouth while I frantically dash across the room to swipe my finger through her gums for retrieval. Then she giggles and slaps my glasses off my face.)

Here are common Tallulah statements:
"I'm not going to help set the table unless I get a different vegetable than green beans."
"I'll only pick up my room if you read me a comic book."
Wailing, "You're not listening to me!!!"

My skin crawls when I hear any of these statements. I. Am. Her. Mother. How dare she try to negotiate for a different vegetable or refuse to do what I ask her to do? I would never have spoken to my parents like that and it makes me feel like a bad parent when she talks to me so disrespectfully.

When Moxie was around 4 months old, I was carrying her around in the sling when a friend was over with her kids for a playdate and Moxie nursed, watched the activities, then fell asleep without a whimper, all while sitting in the sling cuddled up on me. My friend said to me, "Bonifield babies have the best life." And that made me feel really good. Yeah, I thought, Bonifield babies do have a good life and I'm doing a good job. But that evening, when I tried to put Moxie down for the first time the entire day, she started screaming in protest and I realized, she has no idea that she has a good life. No idea that being carried around next to momma all day is the good shit and that I deserve a bathroom break every now and then.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm saying here. Point one: all moms are anxious about parenting even, or maybe especially, good moms who think hard about the parenting choices they make. Point two: there is a disconnect between my ultimate goal for Tallulah as a person and my expectations for her behavior towards me now. Point three: parenting well is hard and my kids will see it only as parenting, not as good parenting.

Wait , wait. Point three needs more clarification: my kids will expect the standard of care that I give them. If my standard of care is low and they don't get their needs met, they will assume this is how life is, that their needs are not important and they are not deserving. If I meet their needs they will assume that their needs are important and they are deserving of having their needs met. I'm not trying to say 'desire.' I certainly don't buy Tallulah a bunch of crap just because she says she needs it. But emotional consistency, day-to-day predictability, food, safety, you know, the big stuff.

I'm writing all this down to clarify it for my own brain. To remind myself that Tallulah's sassiness is really the rudimentary forms of negotiating her desires, verbalizing her needs, and demanding others to treat her respectfully-- all skills I want her to possess.

And not techniques to drive me crazy or make me appear incompetent as a parent in front of other people.