working mom blues

I know, I know. It's been forever since I've written and even now I shouldn't be sitting down to the computer because there are groceries strewn around on my kitchen counters and my to do list is so long and I have a writing deadline for MOMMY Magazine but I can't do anything else until I write because I can't get past how HARD this is. THIS. This working and parenting and having two children and a baby and... Ok, I need to slow down and explain.

Here's my husband's work day:
7:30. Wake up, take the baby and Tallulah if she's awake and willing downstairs. Do some Gung Fu. Make breakfast for the whole crew. (he takes the kids when they wake up so I can get some non-child groping sleep time. I do the nighttime parenting because of the nursing and by dawn I'm ready to throw some baby heads out the window. Thoop. That's the sound I imagine they'll make as they fly through the air.)
8:30 Make sure I'm awake, get ready for work. Either get out the door by 9 or go into the studio around 9.
Lunchtime- make some lunch, tidy the kitchen, help me put kids to nap if everyone is home.
5:00 play with kids while I make dinner.

You can see that my husband is awesome-- awesomely participatory, engaged, and an equal partner with the family and household. So it's not a lack in him, but a crazy in me that my work day is so significantly different from his. Example:

8:00- wake up after 15 minutes of boob tweaking-free sleep time. Take a shower and get dressed before going downstairs since Moxie and Tallulah will jump me when they see me.
8:15- go downstairs. Scarf breakfast while nursing the baby and mentally tabulating how many bottles/diapers she'll need for the day.
8:30- check diapers. Find most of them in the dryer (we use cloth). Pull them out of the dryer and put them together ready for use, lay the cloth wipes next to them for easy husband access. Make one bottle, put in fridge, and leave formula or frozen milk on counter for easy access/defrost with empty bottle. Check fridge for lunch items for Tallulah. Holler out what there is for lunch to Kent and Tallulah OR write out lunch options and post on fridge. Think what a good idea it would be to make pictures of lunch options so Tallulah can choose for herself and request items from Kent at lunchtime. Look at clock.
9:00 freak out that I am once again not getting out of the house on time. Give Tallulah and Moxie hugs and kisses. Tallulah clings. Spend an extra 5 minutes talking to her about the awesome day she's about to have with daddy. Daddy lures her in the house with talk about a trip to the bookstore. My heart breaks. I like the bookstore!
9:30 get to first client (I do home health nursing and schedule my visits. Sweet gig for my mental state)
10:15 leave first client. have four more people to see in the north part of town. Plan to stop at home in between the north and south part to nurse baby. Try to guess what time that'll be. Try to guess when she'll have a bottle so I can time it just right to nurse her in between clients and I won't catch her sleeping or just having finished a bottle. Get stressed out about time management.

etc. etc.

I know it's my head that is sabotaging the work schedule. If I could leave the house and leave family stuff behind, the work would be fine. And little things wouldn't bother me as much like coming in with the groceries and wanting to throw Moxie in her highchair with a snack so she doesn't scream at me while I run in and out of the house. So I throw a handful of chopped fruit on her highchair tray a half second before I notice that her tray wasn't wiped down when she was last taken out of it and there is unidentifiable sludge crusted on it with three ants having a party in the middle. Shit. I know that wiping down the tray before taking the baby out of it is crucial to our well being, but Kent hasn't gotten to that yet in his learning curve. Shit. So toss the old fruit, chop more one-handed while Moxie squirms in my arms and groceries melt in the car, wipe down the tray, throw new fruit on it and put Moxie-- finally-- down.

I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired I'm tired.

And Moxie is adjusting to my work schedule by sleeping a lot when she's with Kent during the day and not eating much so she can nurse and play with mommy all night when I'm home. Which, hello awesome smart baby and goodbye any mommy rest. And I've been going to bed early this week due to the lack of sleep time which is why I can't write and I shouldn't be writing now because Moxie finished her fruit so I threw Cheerios on her tray which she's never had before and she doesn't even have any teeth so it's only a matter of time before I try out the new rules for the Heimlich (did you know back patting is in again?)

Oops, sure enough, gotta go....